I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
