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I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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