so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
