My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
