3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
