mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
