How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
