I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
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she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
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Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
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