I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
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I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
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I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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