You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
