My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
