Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I have fence marks all over my body
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
