the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
There's always time for handjobs
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
