I got chris browned last night
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
