I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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