somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
