you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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