Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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