She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
