just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
