I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
