Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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