How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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