Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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