when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
