wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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