I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
