Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
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Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
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SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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