We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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