so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
