i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Randomize