I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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