when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
