My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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