just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
