you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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