College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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