I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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