Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
