Sry I called you an 8
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm getting married
To pizza
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
