I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
