I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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