Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
