just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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