His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
