i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
