you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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