my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
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