Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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