I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.