well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
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the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....