clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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