please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
